Just have to get this out

I'm sure I'm going to ramble, as I usually do, but I'm just seething inside and I don't know what to do about it.

Sam blurted out while playing with Will that I said Will was crabby. Well, of course, Heather was there. I scolded Sam because I did not say that. I wouldn't say something like that in front of him. I couldn't even think of the situation that he was talking about. Once Sam described in more detail though (later when we were inside), I remembered that we were driving up in the car and Will was out playing. We stopped to talk to him and Will wouldn't talk to him or said he didn't want to play with him or something. Once we drove away, Sam asked "Why doesn't Will like me?" I assured him that Will does like him. I told him that everybody has bad days and can be crabby sometimes and maybe Will was just having a bad day. Translated into Sam speak: Will is crabby.

It concerned me, though, because Heather was right there and she's sensitive about Will anyway because of the sensory issues he has been having. I've been very sympathetic with her about them, helping her research and doing some research on my own... and I've made Sam take a lot of crap from Will because of it. I mean, my kid is laying there at night asking "Why doesn't Will like me?" All the while, I'm trying to convince him that Will really does like him without divulging anything about his sensory issues because God knows I don't want him blurting that out in front of a group of kids.

Anyway, after the day that Sam said that, Heather wouldn't even talk to me. We went up there to play one day and she just bold turned around and took the boys in the house. I cried all the way. I had honestly forgotten about that conversation because I knew I hadn't said it in the way Sam had communicated it and I thought I had communicated that to Heather. Apparently not, because she blatantly avoided me on several occasions after that.

Well, one evening I had had enough of the junior high BS and walked up there while she was outside. I said a couple things to her and she was being quite cold and I asked her point blank if she was upset with me over something. She said, "Not upset, my feelings are just hurt." I asked what about and she kind of laughed and said, "Oh, you know." I honestly had no clue because like I said, I had forgotten about the crabby comment.

She said she was upset over that. Well, what I should have done is been flabbergasted that she was still holding on to this, gathered up Sam and went home. Instead, I stood there for half an hour explaining and re-explaining the context of what was said and making apology after apology. She begrudgingly forgave me, but continued to act a bit standoffish.

In my eyes, this has ruined what friendship we did have. How can she trust me again when she has convinced herself that I talk smack about her son? I'm not sure what will happen in the future. I obviously can't let Sam go up there and play by himself and I can't stop him from going up there. He loves to play with those boys. I guess I'll go and watch him, but just stand off to the side, or send Ron.

This just brings back bad memories of the whole issue with Misty. I mean, she stiffed me out of a $75 concert ticket and somehow I'm the bad guy. She acts like I have the plague now. I thought at first maybe she thought I was the one mad at her and maybe, possibly, she might have felt some sort of guilt or remorse for doing something so shady. But now, I just think she can't stand me and has a new group of idi... people to hang out with.

So, what is my problem? I have no friends. I keep in contact with absolutely no one from high school; exactly one person from college; and have no tried and true IRL friends. I have a couple of people here at work. I have several very good Internet friends, several of whom I've met in person and I love dearly although I wonder if they would continue to be my friends if we lived closer and they knew me better. I mean people I can call up and go to dinner with or grab a drink with.

All my life, people have this preconceived notion of me that I am outgoing, outspoken to the point of abrasive... all of this sometimes before I even open my mouth. In truth, I am shy, backward, terrified of confrontation and excessively concerned about what other people think and say about me. And I mean excessively.

Yes, I am sarcastic. Maybe I should give that up. It's a total defense mechanism though. I don't even know who the real me is because I am constantly putting up a front to gel with whomever I am with. Except it's obviously not gelling with ANYONE because I have no friends.

I guess I should just not worry about it and stick to myself. I wanted so badly though to be friends with the parents of Sam's friends so we could do things together and sit together at events and such. I guess I can still do that, though, but be more of an acquaintance than a friend. I guess I make a better acquaintance than I do a friend. People at work that just pass me in the hall and exchange niceties, from what I understand, think I am a very nice person. It just seems that once someone gets to know me very well, they don't like me. Hell, most of the time I think Ron just stays with me because he thinks he doesn't have any other option.

I know this all sounds like one big fat pity party, but this thing with Heather has really thrown me for a loop. She is the first person in a long time that hasn't made me feel inferior, fat, stupid, etc. and now that's gone. I want to go yell at her and say "how could you believe a four year old when I explained the situation to you!" I did NOT call him crabby. I was trying to explain to MY four year old why he is constantly rejected by this other child. I was trying to explain that Will really does like him, when in fact, I really believe he doesn't. I was trying to explain to my son why Will will play with Darren and not him.

No one reads this and that's ok. I hope getting some of this out will stop the thoughts from running through my head constantly and maybe now I can get some sleep.